where were you ?

Dear God …

I Know It’s Been a While

I hope you still remember my voice.
Pardon me if I’m a little hostile—
I talked myself out of talking to You, because I knew...

You already knew.

I felt like a burden, but Lord,
Your daughter has been hurting.

I’m sorry for the lies I told
when they asked, “Are your eyes puffy?”
Just allergies—maybe a cold.
“Did you lose weight?”
Wow, really?
Ya girl’s been hitting the gym,
trying to burn all these calories.
“Why do you look so tired?”
It must be work—or I’m just tired.

I know I don’t look so great.
Lost a lot of weight.
Can’t remember the last time I ate—
though I’ve just had a lot on my plate.
Like that night I was violated.

Did You know that would happen?
If You’d stepped in,
maybe it wouldn’t have.
I don’t blame You—
I blame myself.
I put myself in that place.
No one else.

Dear God…
I’m asking for help.
I can’t do it on my own.
I can’t do it by myself.

Shamed into silence,
my heart has darkened—
stone cold.
Can’t breathe under the weight of my existence.

You left me.
I begged You to make it stop.
You didn’t hear me.
I asked You for strength—

You were silent.

Father God, You left me.

And he hurt me.

2/15/2013